Beware the Hungry Ghost Festival

X: Hey can we have free bottle of wine per table?
Y: Hmm, not unless you have your wedding on a weekday. Yours is a Sunday you see.
X: But… it’s just one day before the Ghost Month!
Y: Yes but just before Ghost Month are hot dates, as everyone is trying to avoid the ghost month.
X: But… all the ghosts will be out…
Y: Huh?
X: I mean, in some time zones, the ghosts are already out.
Y: You mean like the Swiss ghosts and the Swedish ghosts…
X: Nooo I mean those in the Japan area. The Japanese ghosts.
Y: … …
X: So, can I have my one bottle of wine per table?
Y: Er, no!

Did You, or Did You Not

Sunday, 4.08pm

D: Photocopy the guest list for me. I have no time to do. I don’t want to use the business center so expensive. Pay pay pay everything make me pay.
W: Okay then… but do pass me your guest list.
D: I email to you already! Never check!
W: I will check, and when did you email it?
D: Email already means email already! Wah lau never check your email. Not doing your homework...

*finds email sent Sunday, 4.07pm.

Sunday, 6.30pm

W (to helpers): Is the guest list okay? I've done both the A3 and A4 version.
Helper: Yes good good. Thanks

Monday, 2.15pm

D (to W’s boss): Ask her to photocopy guest list never even do! What kind of service is that? I had to do it myself! Me! On my own wedding!
W (smiling): In fact I had passed A3 and A4 sized versions to your helpers. They were using it at the foyer.
D: I was the one who did that! I had to do it myself! I have a good memory…

The Mystery of Baby Amos and the Vegetable Eaters

A: I sent you the entire guest list, you consolidate for me.

W: Let me see... okay I think it's better you consolidate it first because I can't tell who's muslim or vegeterian...

A: Huh! The ones with Malay names are Muslim of course!

W: Hmm, okay... And the vegetarians?

A: Please lah which one vegetarian you also don't know?

W: No I don't. They don't have vegetarian names

A: Eh please okay. I also need baby chair

W: Okay baby chairs at which table?

A: Eh please okay. Don't try to be funny! table 5, 9 and 10. Can't you see??

W: Er no... I don't know which are baby names...

A: Please okay! Amos is a baby! Sally is a baby!!!

W: Yes but I wouldn't know. It doesn't say Baby Amos or Baby Sally.

A: Aiya you like that also don't know! Don't know don't know. Everything don't know! Need to spoonfeed you?? I tell you ah, you better read properly and see which is baby. Got Malay baby also you better take note...

My Hidden Talent

Today's Impulse Behaviour:
Snitching a poem from the Obituary section of the Chinese Newspapers



A: I'm printing a poem on my invite.

W: Wow that's great!

A: Yes I'm going to fax it to you.

W: Huh? Why?

A: Help me translate in Chinese.

W: Huh!

A: What's your fax number?

W: Hey! My Chinese is real bad... your poem might become... really weird

A: I need it in Chinese!

W: Hey sorry to be so straight forward but you have to do it yourself. I'm not a poet from the ancient times you know. Do you have a Chinese dictionary?

A: But I need it in Chinese! I've already found your fax number and am faxing it to you already. Let me know in 15 minutes, thanks. By the way I'm leaving the house already, so don't call me, I'm going to a friend's party until late at night.

Poem of the Day: (my translation)

"To my dear faithful departed
Hope that you will be happy in God's arms
We will miss you dearly
God loves you"

The Tragic Tale of 2 Potatoes

My Sad State or His

I know all my posts are at least a bit funny so far, but this one... ... is not. Sorry if you are looking for a good laugh! Well I guess sometimes you just can't squeeze humour out of a bad joke.

W: Each table is for 10 but you have 11 instead. Do you want to increase to an 11-person food portion?

X: Yes.

W: Okay, so we will charge for one more person at each table

X: No!

W: Yes but you are increasing food portion.

X: I want a 10-person table

W: Oh, so no 11–person food portion?

X: I want an 11-person food portion.

W: Yes but we can’t have free food

X: So unreasonable! #$%@# I just want free abalone also cannot, I’m sure you hide in the kitchen and eat free abalone, !@#$$% then I ask for one more also cannot! Stupid hell!

W: Well, but you are asking for 20 free abalones and that can’t be free.

X: !@#$%# You stupid idiot! Stupid hell! Everything cannot, cannot cannot cannot. You are rigid, stupid! I regret signing up! You enjoy calling me and saying cannot cannot is it! Stupid! Idiot!

God Created Fish Unequal

X: We want to change the sea bass to a garoupa

W: Yes you can, it will be an additional $30 per table

X: We must pay!?

W: Yes, as it’s a more expensive fish

X: I only want to change it

W: You can if you want.

X: I want to change but I don’t want to pay more

W: I also want to change and don’t charge you but I can’t

X: Why!

W: Because garoupa is more expensive than sea bass

X: So why is garoupa more expensive?

W: Mm, because it’s a deep-water fish and more complicated to catch

X: So?

W: So that’s why it’s more expensive.

X: Do the fish look different?

W: Yes garoupa has a bigger head.

X: Get your Chef to go to the port to choose sea bass with big heads on my wedding day

W: ... ...

X: Sigh. You’re really unhelpful and have bad service! How do you explain yourself?

W: I don’t know, but at least I can tell you that to upgrade your fish, there is a charge.

X: If the hotel is so rigid, I have no choice. Go and print garoupa on the menu but I want the hotel to serve sea bass

W: Huh! That’s not a good idea, your guests will know.

X: Is sea bass cheaper because garoupa is a better fish?

W: Mm, not say better, but some people prefer it.

X: Hah! So you’re admitting it now! You’re admitting it now! Your hotel serves sub-standard fish!

Spotted!

Next week's wedding couple viewing the ballroom in darkness

My Neighbour's Couselling Session

Excerpt from 30-minute counseling session at the next desk:

S: Auntie why do you feel useless?

X: ... ...

S: Auntie you shouldn't feel useless you know, you should be glad that your son so sensible and wants to be independent you know. If it’s me and my parents want to pay for me I will feel very useless also. (meek laugh)

X: … …

S: I think xxx would be very happy and er that he has such an understanding mother …don’t worry er your boy is er very good person… er… (even meeker laugh)

Buy one, get one free

Imagination is when you believe something exists when it does not.

E: Eh don’t forget our day-use helper’s room

W: Huh? Hey you don’t have a day-use room.

E: Yes I do.

W: That can’t be because our hotel doesn’t do day-use rooms.

E: But… I was told I have a room!

W: But who told you that?

E: The… it’s understood that I need a day-use room! Where are my helpers going to change? It’s compulsory so you should know it’s understood!

W:Well in your original package, you had a helper’s room. But you wanted to forgo that for a complimentary upgrade to another night in the suite, for yourself. Remember?

E: Yes but it’s inconsiderate not to give me a helper’s room! I don’t care!

W:Would you like me to book a deluxe room for you at a discounted rate we are having currently?

E: What choice do I have when you present me this kind of situation! Are you telling me I have a choice! *loud sigh* Okay book for me!

W: Sure, two deluxe rooms then.

E: Make sure you upgrade me!

W: Huh? Upgrade to?

E: To your next category! I don’t care the lady told me I can.

W: Which lady?

E: I don’t know. Short hair lady at the Concierge. She said can!

W: That really cannot be.

E: I don’t know. I don’t care. Anyway it’s understood. I already booked one room I should get another one free!

Tedious Process: Making of Mock Meat

The Time Consuming process of making Mock Meat:
1. mix 8 cups of flour & 4 cups water to form dough
2. knead & rinse dough for 30 min to remove wheat starch. Result: 2 cups of gluten.
3. simmer in broth of soy sace, tamari, ginger, garlic & kombu for more than 2 hours.

Phone rings at 11.30pm:

J: Hello, your couple doesn't want to acknowledge the bill

W: Huh why?

J: They say vegetarian guests should be free of charge

W: Huh free?

J: Ya. Anyway, you give them a call tomorrow.

Next morning:

W: Good morning! How was your wedding?

X: Er okay, but they want to charge me for vegetarian.

W: Yes of course, as you know it's chargeable.

X: I… I know but why?

W: Because we have to pay for the ingredients…

X: But vegetarian should be free.

W: Hey, if vegetarian food were free, there would be no more beggars on this earth.

Greed is: continuously striving for more

A: Okay so we have 3 free VIP parking lots

B: Well, it's stated here 2

A: We need 3.

B: No problem, let's arrange for 3 then.

A: We need 4

B: The maximum is really 3 as you're asking for it complimentary.

A: We need 4 free!

B: Well, alright, but that's the maximum.

A: We need 5 free.

B: Hey! You can't do this because there's really no end to it.

A (wailing loudly): I WANT 5 LOTS FREE!

*imagine glass breaking*

B: We want free snacks for our tea ceremony

A: The room is already complimentary, so you can have snacks to be chargeable.

B: Like that of course we don't want. We want FREE coffee and tea

A: You can have coffee and tea at $65 per urn

B: Siao! So expensive! What kind of coffee and tea is that!

A: Not to worry, we can provide a tank of complimentary iced water, refillable.

B: We want TWO tanks

A: But, it's refillable so you don't have to worry

B: We want TWO tanks.

C: Darling, let's empty all their water out and pour our own drinks in

A: I'm sorry that you can't bring your own food and drinks into the hotel due to hygiene reasons

C: Are you saying we eat unhygenic food!?

A: Definitely not, it's hotel regulations and it's the hotel that decides on them

B: Honey, let's just empty our drinks in when she's not around. We'll just say we didn't know.

Auspicious Day

Nothing can go wrong on your Auspicious Day.

Conversation in the lounge:

A: Later you check for me this date, got from my geomancer VERY auspicious.

B: Okay.

A: And tell you ah, your two waiters serve three tables, service is too slow la. Definitely cannot!

B: No problem sir, the charge for an extra waiter is $50.

A (waves hand in the air): No no no, I don't pay for this kind of thing.

B: Yes but they have to be paid to work

A: (waves hand in the air): No no no, I not paying. Oh and then another thing, the invitation cards are so ugly, all my family members will scold me. Red or white, and only 2 choices, what am I going to do if I don't like both? (waves hand in the air). And then, the ballroom light so bright looks so unromantic people sure say not nice. (waves hand in the air) And the shark's fin really la you all must improve on the presentation, like a blob of rubber bands in the soup, (waves hand in the air), what if my friends think I have bad taste choose this hotel. Aiya, aiya (shakes head)...

fasciculation - muscular twitching of contiguous groups of muscle fibers

Overheard at the Reception:
X: Hi, are you the bride's friend?
Y (snaps): No! I'm the groom's mother!

Sweet words of advice:
Even buttercream on the cake has to keep it's cool
Or it will spoil and make everyone sick.

Lovely Vesak Day

Edvard Munch:
Symbolising modern man taken by an attack of existential angst

10.30 am

Wake up with 6 missed calls from the operator

10.45am

Operator: Good Morning, there is a caller who has been desperately trying to reach a wedding person.

W: Uh! Today is Vesak Day, holiday for the public.

Operator: Yes I told her that no one is working but she said it is very urgent and she INSISTS she must contact someone today. It’s CRUCIAL and she cannot wait.

1.45pm

W (lying on the bed in the loudest whisper): hi, is this Jxx? I’m at the temple now as it’s Vesak Day but I heard you are looking for a wedding person URGENTLY. What is it?

J: Uh oh… I just erm want to ask about the wedding package

W (still whispering): Okay give me your email address and I’ll send it to you tomorrow

J: NO! I need it today! It’s very urgent!

W (still whispering): Yes but I’m not in the office. No email here.

J: But I need it! Check if 19 April is available!

W (still whispering): Yes but I do not have the computer system at home, can’t check that now.

J: But it’s, MY… WEDDING!