Wedding Toasts

Shopaholic @ the Great Singapore Sale

2006-06-22T01:27:00.000+08:00

W (on the phone): Hi X, are you here yet?
X: I'm at level 3
W: Oh, okay... but there's no level 3. Are you at level 5?
X: No! I'm at level 3
W: Oh okay, but, there's no level 3. Shall I meet you at level 1?
X: I'm at level 3 at Suntec City. Got Great Singapore Sale leh my friend.
W: Er... Suntec City... okay so what time will you be here? It's half an hour past your appointment time and I have another one soon.
X: Very fast one, very fast.
W: Okay, since you are at Suntec City, I think you'll be here in 15 min.
X: Okay

20 min later

W: Hi X, are you reaching yet?
X: I'm at level 4
W: Oh great! I'll come up to meet you
X: Oh I'm at level 4 of Marina Square. My wife want to shop at G2000, got big sale very cheap.
W: Hey but our appointment time is almost over. Will you be coming over now?
X: No la! She just went in only cos got sale.

Ooh! Ow! Eew! Ouch!

2006-06-07T00:49:00.000+08:00

This post is dedicated to my ex-colleague OBB… an incident during a messy renovation time.

W: Ahhhhh I cannot believe my couple insists on entering the hotel which is now just grey cement with wires popping out from all directions and mud floor with sparks flying all over! And… they want me to go into that hazardous place with them!
OBB (calmly): Ask them if they value their life. If not you can bring them in.
W: Huh! I bring ah? I value my life leh…
OBB: I can bring them in.
W: Huh! Really! Yeahhhh we’ll go together? Are we allowed to go in? I don’t mind seeing a half-renovated hotel.
OBB: Can sneak in la. Dusty only.

2 days later:

OBB (pointing to Mr X & Mrs X’s feet): Okay you and you, please remove your shoes
W: (whispering): Eh but OBB, the floor is… is full of nails
OBB: (pointing to W): Oh you, no need.
W: Oh!

Mr X & Mrs X obediently remove their shoes looking worried

W: (whispering) er… safe or not…
OBB: Yes safe. If we disturb we must disturb all the way…

After 5 min:

Mr X: (looking anxiously at the floor) Okay I think we go now
Mrs X: (glancing at husband) Yes yes I think the ballroom looks good, looks okay.

W: (whispering) We’ve barely seen the ballroom… what’s this x-ray vision or what.

Walking back to our office:

OBB: (walking on tip toe) Ooh! Ow! Ew!

Haha… OBB I miss you dearly!

Free Voucher

2006-06-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

Over the phone:

A: Eh eh I starving leh.
W: Oh! I think you'd better eat something before your wedding first then.
A: Wah liao eh! I starving to death! My wife starving to death! My wife leh my WIFE.
W: Okay... would you like to order room service? I can help you place an order
A: Room service... free ah?
W: Well room service is charged, how much depends on your order.
A: No la free la.
W: What would you like to have?
A: I must know free or not first right, if free of course I order most expensive one, if not free I don't order.
W: Hey actually, your suite comes with a $100 F&B voucher compliments of the hotel, you can use this voucher for your room service, so it's actually free.
A: Huh use my free voucher! Cannot la... you give me free voucher then make me use on room service... cheating!

Are you going to Quit?

2006-06-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

X: Eh eh it's me leh. Eh I ask you ah, are you still working at xxx?
W: Er yes, who's this?
X: Me la me, eh you still there right?
W: Yes... and you are?
X: Orh I am xxx la! Aiyo you don't remember ah.
W: Oh yes! I definitely remember, just didnt' recognise your voice so quickly.
X: Oh then ah, are you quitting soon or not? *meek laugh*
W: ... er no... why?
X: You better not quit ah! My wedding is December leh you BETTER not quit before my wedding. But will you quit before my wedding or not? Huh? You got think of if it or not?
W: Actually, don't worry I don't even intend to.
X: Oh then your Chef leh? Is he going to quit soon? I saw him he look so old like going to quit soon. Cannot quit leh, if not later the food sucks then my wedding leh...

12 midnight

2006-06-03T01:44:00.000+08:00

X: We need to reduce our attendance by 2 tables.

W: Hey, but your wedding is today… actually, we’ve ordered and paid for the food. But how about I check with the Chef first and get back to you?

X: No what the wedding is tomorrow.

W: Erm yes kind of, but it’s 11.55pm now so it’s almost your wedding day in about 5 minutes…

X: 1 day before tell you cannot meh?

W: As we know it's actually 7 days notice. But hey don’t worry about it, let me check and get back to you.

X: Okay I wait for your call

W: Alright, I’ll call you first thing in the morning.

X: Huh?? So important then you should check now right?

W: Hey I’m sleeping halfway… and I think my Chef is too.

X: Oh, but the hotel still open right…

Case of the Drunken Barman

2006-06-03T01:36:00.000+08:00

X: We are bringing in our own wine. Is that okay?

W: Sure! Feel free to do so

X: Our wine has been kept for very long. Some spoil already. But I don’t know which one.

W: Oh… I think it’s better you bring those that are very likely not spoilt then. You might want to get new bottles?

X: Of course not! I’m not going to spend money on my guests. I don’t even think they will give me enough ang pow. So how?

W: Mm, I guess you can try to see which wines are least likely to be spoilt. It won’t be very nice serving them spoilt wine.

X: Huh, that’s the best you can do? We want your barman to open each bottle and taste a mouthful of it to see if it’s spoilt.

W: Er but he will be real drunk at the end as you will probably open many bottles…

X: But he’s a barman! Barman you know! *huge sigh*

We are not Happy

2006-06-03T01:17:00.000+08:00

X: We have decided to book with your hotel even though you can’t give us the perks we want, because your service is so good, so we will sacrifice the perks and sign with you.

W: Okay great! When would you like to come by?

X: When we can get more perks

W: Oh…what would you be looking at?

X: Two bottles of wine per table. Free.

W: You’re looking at a peak date, as per our latest email is the best package we can extend, unless you have alternative dates that are “less hot”

X: Sigh. How do you expect us to sign up when the service is so bad… you know that we just look at perks what, who will give up perks just to sign up somewhere… you should review our package…

2 days later:

X: We have decided to book your hotel

W: Okay great! When would you like to come by?

X: We just want you to know we are booking reluctantly because you refuse to give us what we want.

W: Oh, no problem let’s take our time. It’s best we iron out the package to ensure you are most comfortable with what you are signing up for.

X: We want to book! But I want you to remember we are not happy.

Beware the Hungry Ghost Festival

2006-05-29T16:54:00.000+08:00

X: Hey can we have free bottle of wine per table?
Y: Hmm, not unless you have your wedding on a weekday. Yours is a Sunday you see.
X: But… it’s just one day before the Ghost Month!
Y: Yes but just before Ghost Month are hot dates, as everyone is trying to avoid the ghost month.
X: But… all the ghosts will be out…
Y: Huh?
X: I mean, in some time zones, the ghosts are already out.
Y: You mean like the Swiss ghosts and the Swedish ghosts…
X: Nooo I mean those in the Japan area. The Japanese ghosts.
Y: … …
X: So, can I have my one bottle of wine per table?
Y: Er, no!

Did You, or Did You Not

2006-05-23T15:41:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 4.08pm

D: Photocopy the guest list for me. I have no time to do. I don’t want to use the business center so expensive. Pay pay pay everything make me pay.
W: Okay then… but do pass me your guest list.
D: I email to you already! Never check!
W: I will check, and when did you email it?
D: Email already means email already! Wah lau never check your email. Not doing your homework...

*finds email sent Sunday, 4.07pm.

Sunday, 6.30pm

W (to helpers): Is the guest list okay? I've done both the A3 and A4 version.
Helper: Yes good good. Thanks

Monday, 2.15pm

D (to W’s boss): Ask her to photocopy guest list never even do! What kind of service is that? I had to do it myself! Me! On my own wedding!
W (smiling): In fact I had passed A3 and A4 sized versions to your helpers. They were using it at the foyer.
D: I was the one who did that! I had to do it myself! I have a good memory…

The Mystery of Baby Amos and the Vegetable Eaters

2006-05-19T12:21:00.000+08:00

A: I sent you the entire guest list, you consolidate for me.

W: Let me see... okay I think it's better you consolidate it first because I can't tell who's muslim or vegeterian...

A: Huh! The ones with Malay names are Muslim of course!

W: Hmm, okay... And the vegetarians?

A: Please lah which one vegetarian you also don't know?

W: No I don't. They don't have vegetarian names

A: Eh please okay. I also need baby chair

W: Okay baby chairs at which table?

A: Eh please okay. Don't try to be funny! table 5, 9 and 10. Can't you see??

W: Er no... I don't know which are baby names...

A: Please okay! Amos is a baby! Sally is a baby!!!

W: Yes but I wouldn't know. It doesn't say Baby Amos or Baby Sally.

A: Aiya you like that also don't know! Don't know don't know. Everything don't know! Need to spoonfeed you?? I tell you ah, you better read properly and see which is baby. Got Malay baby also you better take note...

My Hidden Talent

2006-05-19T00:25:00.000+08:00

Today's Impulse Behaviour:
Snitching a poem from the Obituary section of the Chinese Newspapers

A: I'm printing a poem on my invite.

W: Wow that's great!

A: Yes I'm going to fax it to you.

W: Huh? Why?

A: Help me translate in Chinese.

W: Huh!

A: What's your fax number?

W: Hey! My Chinese is real bad... your poem might become... really weird

A: I need it in Chinese!

W: Hey sorry to be so straight forward but you have to do it yourself. I'm not a poet from the ancient times you know. Do you have a Chinese dictionary?

A: But I need it in Chinese! I've already found your fax number and am faxing it to you already. Let me know in 15 minutes, thanks. By the way I'm leaving the house already, so don't call me, I'm going to a friend's party until late at night.

Poem of the Day: (my translation)

"To my dear faithful departed
Hope that you will be happy in God's arms
We will miss you dearly
God loves you"

The Tragic Tale of 2 Potatoes

2006-05-18T00:31:00.000+08:00

My Sad State or His

2006-05-17T15:56:00.000+08:00

I know all my posts are at least a bit funny so far, but this one... ... is not. Sorry if you are looking for a good laugh! Well I guess sometimes you just can't squeeze humour out of a bad joke.

W: Each table is for 10 but you have 11 instead. Do you want to increase to an 11-person food portion?

X: Yes.

W: Okay, so we will charge for one more person at each table

X: No!

W: Yes but you are increasing food portion.

X: I want a 10-person table

W: Oh, so no 11–person food portion?

X: I want an 11-person food portion.

W: Yes but we can’t have free food

X: So unreasonable! #$%@# I just want free abalone also cannot, I’m sure you hide in the kitchen and eat free abalone, !@#$$% then I ask for one more also cannot! Stupid hell!

W: Well, but you are asking for 20 free abalones and that can’t be free.

X: !@#$%# You stupid idiot! Stupid hell! Everything cannot, cannot cannot cannot. You are rigid, stupid! I regret signing up! You enjoy calling me and saying cannot cannot is it! Stupid! Idiot!

God Created Fish Unequal

2006-05-17T15:25:00.000+08:00

X: We want to change the sea bass to a garoupa

W: Yes you can, it will be an additional $30 per table

X: We must pay!?

W: Yes, as it’s a more expensive fish

X: I only want to change it

W: You can if you want.

X: I want to change but I don’t want to pay more

W: I also want to change and don’t charge you but I can’t

X: Why!

W: Because garoupa is more expensive than sea bass

X: So why is garoupa more expensive?

W: Mm, because it’s a deep-water fish and more complicated to catch

X: So?

W: So that’s why it’s more expensive.

X: Do the fish look different?

W: Yes garoupa has a bigger head.

X: Get your Chef to go to the port to choose sea bass with big heads on my wedding day

W: ... ...

X: Sigh. You’re really unhelpful and have bad service! How do you explain yourself?

W: I don’t know, but at least I can tell you that to upgrade your fish, there is a charge.

X: If the hotel is so rigid, I have no choice. Go and print garoupa on the menu but I want the hotel to serve sea bass

W: Huh! That’s not a good idea, your guests will know.

X: Is sea bass cheaper because garoupa is a better fish?

W: Mm, not say better, but some people prefer it.

X: Hah! So you’re admitting it now! You’re admitting it now! Your hotel serves sub-standard fish!

Spotted!

2006-05-16T15:24:00.000+08:00

Next week's wedding couple viewing the ballroom in darkness

My Neighbour's Couselling Session

2006-05-15T16:27:00.000+08:00

Excerpt from 30-minute counseling session at the next desk:

S: Auntie why do you feel useless?

X: ... ...

S: Auntie you shouldn't feel useless you know, you should be glad that your son so sensible and wants to be independent you know. If it’s me and my parents want to pay for me I will feel very useless also. (meek laugh)

X: … …

S: I think xxx would be very happy and er that he has such an understanding mother …don’t worry er your boy is er very good person… er… (even meeker laugh)

Buy one, get one free

2006-05-15T14:57:00.000+08:00

Imagination is when you believe something exists when it does not.

E: Eh don’t forget our day-use helper’s room

W: Huh? Hey you don’t have a day-use room.

E: Yes I do.

W: That can’t be because our hotel doesn’t do day-use rooms.

E: But… I was told I have a room!

W: But who told you that?

E: The… it’s understood that I need a day-use room! Where are my helpers going to change? It’s compulsory so you should know it’s understood!

W:Well in your original package, you had a helper’s room. But you wanted to forgo that for a complimentary upgrade to another night in the suite, for yourself. Remember?

E: Yes but it’s inconsiderate not to give me a helper’s room! I don’t care!

W:Would you like me to book a deluxe room for you at a discounted rate we are having currently?

E: What choice do I have when you present me this kind of situation! Are you telling me I have a choice! *loud sigh* Okay book for me!

W: Sure, two deluxe rooms then.

E: Make sure you upgrade me!

W: Huh? Upgrade to?

E: To your next category! I don’t care the lady told me I can.

W: Which lady?

E: I don’t know. Short hair lady at the Concierge. She said can!

W: That really cannot be.

E: I don’t know. I don’t care. Anyway it’s understood. I already booked one room I should get another one free!

Tedious Process: Making of Mock Meat

2006-05-15T14:23:00.000+08:00

The Time Consuming process of making Mock Meat:
1. mix 8 cups of flour & 4 cups water to form dough
2. knead & rinse dough for 30 min to remove wheat starch. Result: 2 cups of gluten.
3. simmer in broth of soy sace, tamari, ginger, garlic & kombu for more than 2 hours.

Phone rings at 11.30pm:

J: Hello, your couple doesn't want to acknowledge the bill

W: Huh why?

J: They say vegetarian guests should be free of charge

W: Huh free?

J: Ya. Anyway, you give them a call tomorrow.

Next morning:

W: Good morning! How was your wedding?

X: Er okay, but they want to charge me for vegetarian.

W: Yes of course, as you know it's chargeable.

X: I… I know but why?

W: Because we have to pay for the ingredients…

X: But vegetarian should be free.

W: Hey, if vegetarian food were free, there would be no more beggars on this earth.

Greed is: continuously striving for more

2006-05-14T23:05:00.000+08:00

A: Okay so we have 3 free VIP parking lots

B: Well, it's stated here 2

A: We need 3.

B: No problem, let's arrange for 3 then.

A: We need 4

B: The maximum is really 3 as you're asking for it complimentary.

A: We need 4 free!

B: Well, alright, but that's the maximum.

A: We need 5 free.

B: Hey! You can't do this because there's really no end to it.

A (wailing loudly): I WANT 5 LOTS FREE!

*imagine glass breaking*

B: We want free snacks for our tea ceremony

A: The room is already complimentary, so you can have snacks to be chargeable.

B: Like that of course we don't want. We want FREE coffee and tea

A: You can have coffee and tea at $65 per urn

B: Siao! So expensive! What kind of coffee and tea is that!

A: Not to worry, we can provide a tank of complimentary iced water, refillable.

B: We want TWO tanks

A: But, it's refillable so you don't have to worry

B: We want TWO tanks.

C: Darling, let's empty all their water out and pour our own drinks in

A: I'm sorry that you can't bring your own food and drinks into the hotel due to hygiene reasons

C: Are you saying we eat unhygenic food!?

A: Definitely not, it's hotel regulations and it's the hotel that decides on them

B: Honey, let's just empty our drinks in when she's not around. We'll just say we didn't know.

Auspicious Day

2006-05-14T22:36:00.000+08:00

Nothing can go wrong on your Auspicious Day.

Conversation in the lounge:

A: Later you check for me this date, got from my geomancer VERY auspicious.

B: Okay.

A: And tell you ah, your two waiters serve three tables, service is too slow la. Definitely cannot!

B: No problem sir, the charge for an extra waiter is $50.

A (waves hand in the air): No no no, I don't pay for this kind of thing.

B: Yes but they have to be paid to work

A: (waves hand in the air): No no no, I not paying. Oh and then another thing, the invitation cards are so ugly, all my family members will scold me. Red or white, and only 2 choices, what am I going to do if I don't like both? (waves hand in the air). And then, the ballroom light so bright looks so unromantic people sure say not nice. (waves hand in the air) And the shark's fin really la you all must improve on the presentation, like a blob of rubber bands in the soup, (waves hand in the air), what if my friends think I have bad taste choose this hotel. Aiya, aiya (shakes head)...

fasciculation - muscular twitching of contiguous groups of muscle fibers

2006-05-14T22:33:00.000+08:00

Overheard at the Reception:
X: Hi, are you the bride's friend?
Y (snaps): No! I'm the groom's mother!

2006-05-14T21:19:00.000+08:00

Sweet words of advice:
Even buttercream on the cake has to keep it's cool
Or it will spoil and make everyone sick.

Lovely Vesak Day

2006-05-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

Edvard Munch:
Symbolising modern man taken by an attack of existential angst

10.30 am

Wake up with 6 missed calls from the operator

10.45am

Operator: Good Morning, there is a caller who has been desperately trying to reach a wedding person.

W: Uh! Today is Vesak Day, holiday for the public.

Operator: Yes I told her that no one is working but she said it is very urgent and she INSISTS she must contact someone today. It’s CRUCIAL and she cannot wait.

1.45pm

W (lying on the bed in the loudest whisper): hi, is this Jxx? I’m at the temple now as it’s Vesak Day but I heard you are looking for a wedding person URGENTLY. What is it?

J: Uh oh… I just erm want to ask about the wedding package

W (still whispering): Okay give me your email address and I’ll send it to you tomorrow

J: NO! I need it today! It’s very urgent!

W (still whispering): Yes but I’m not in the office. No email here.

J: But I need it! Check if 19 April is available!

W (still whispering): Yes but I do not have the computer system at home, can’t check that now.

J: But it’s, MY… WEDDING!